Chapter 1 Part 3. Fade out

IIn the last ten days of May 1998 Yoshiki returned to Los Angeles, but couldn't resume the suspended work on the recording so soon.

 After the funeral, he was still as if in a daze and the bright sun of Los Angeles could not revive him.

Ever since his youth suffering from insomnia, Yoshiki, in recent years slept at an average of four hours a day and now he could not sleep all night long. Losing weight greatly and losing the grace of movements he often forgot to eat at all.

Staff and the secretary were seriously worried about his health, tried to cook him a meal and put it in a prominent place but he only nodded in reply and left everything intact, only drinking mineral water.

American employees who worked with him were amazed to see that Yoshiki did not hold regular meetings and did not proceed to work. They were whispered among themselves, wondering when his charming smile and the usual determined expression of his face would return.

Having collected all the forces during the funeral Yoshiki held out firmly, even crying. Now after returning to Los Angeles, vitality left him completely as though some shell faded away.

In early June, Japan released Kitano Shoko's CD "Begin", the record of which was ended in spring, but the work on other projects had not been continued.

To somehow awaken interest in life, one day Yoshiki sat at the piano. He absently looked through the sheet music.

I  Need to do something in memory of Hide. Need to write music.

 Maybe the time spent at this, standing in the living room on a large white rug the piano will bring the solace to his soul? Maybe writing music in memory of a friend will help to put his thoughts and feelings in order? So he thought, but was deeply mistaken. As if responding to the sounds of the piano, tears that could not be stopped poured out.

 Combining fragments of the melody born, still in tears, Yoshiki started to write notes. No matter how he tried, he could not suppress feelings and thoughts about Hide, which overflowed within him. In an effort to present them in the form of words he began writing lyrics in the margins of the music paper.

 Emotions flooded, inundating everything around.  Memories of happier times which had been warming his heart, as though faded and the abyss that separates life and death opened up before his eyes. Each time looking into this dark abyss, he felt pain in his whole body as if pierced by a set of needles. In the era of ancient Rome there was a holy martyr Sebastian and Yoshiki enduring the pain like martyr Sebastian pierced by arrows, went on composing music.

 A week later, the song was ready.

Sitting at the piano, experiencing the sense of moral fatigue, Yoshiki absently looked through the notes of a new song, called Without You. He expressed his feelings to Hide in music, gave them shape and now it had to be considered how to move forward a little more. Suddenly the arrangement of the song began to sound in his head. Yoshiki jumped up from his chair. A week later, he had already gathered musicians and engineers in the studio, and began recording a demo version.

Since the lyrics were written in Japanese he decided to entrust the performance to the vocalist of one of the Japanese groups who came to Los Angeles to visit Yoshiki.

After a few minutes of the recording the expression on Yoshiki's face had changed dramatically.  He began playing the piano but the keys had suddenly become wet, as if they had been watered. Due to the continuous stream of tears playing had to be interrupted several times.

 There was another reason why Yoshiki felt completely off the rails. The only one who was supposed to sing this song written for Hide was Toshi, because it was the song of X.

Yoshiki felt it, involuntarily searching the shade of the studio for Toshi, who left the group and gone for good Hide.  Being aware that this is absurd, Yoshiki once more was convinced that the records of X would never happen again and this thought was causing his heart an enormous amount of pain. In the studio he again was chased by the ghosts that he would want to leave deep in the heart.

 Toshi left the group, X was disbanded and now after the death of Hide there was no return.

He seemed to continue to climb up the stairs leading to nowhere, his soul was trapped. All he could do was just cry.

 Gathered in the studio employees were unable to recover from their perplexity and confusion. Where had such qualities of merit and leadership that he always demonstrated during the recording gone? Always majestic, like the conductor of an orchestra, gestures and movements disappeared and the hunched figure of Yoshiki looked painfully tired.

Due to abnormal atmosphere the recording was interrupted a lot of times.

 When the work was completed, Yoshiki alone listened to the new ballad.

 It was the groan of a man who had lost a friend and could only cry.

`Aruki tsukareta, yoru ni tatazumu.

Nagareru namida wo, kioku ni kasanete.

Deaino kazudake, wakare wa arukedo

Kagiri nai toki ga, tsuzuku to shinji teta.

Kizutsuke atta kotoba sae, ima wa dakishime

Furikaeru dake`

`I feel alone...

How should I love you?

How could I feel you?

Without you...

Kazoe kire nai, omoide ga jikan wo ume tsukusu

Anata wo aishite, anata ni kizu tsui te

Ai toiu kotoba no, fukasa ni kizuita

I still remember, kotae nai ashita ni

Yume wo motometa ita, hibi wo

Kagiri naku hiro garu sora ni, mou ichio

Umareta imi, ima wo ikiru wo, toi kakete

How should I love you?

How could I feel you?

Without you...

Owari no nai, ai no uta wo, ima anata ni`

Listening to the demo endlessly, Yoshiki rested looking at his fingertips. The song written in memory of Hide was in fact born as a confirmation of his own despair.

Whether sitting at home in the hall on the sofa, feeling the light wind blow, swinging high palm leaves. Whether in his perfect studio where the newest equipment was gathered he felt only the pain and loneliness, as though he was buried deep underground. Thoughts that he would have to spend the rest of his life on his own separated from Hide forever just blaming himself constantly, brought him in horror.

 Impossible, I could not; I could no longer walk alone.

 Soundless words were escaping his lips.

I had to die, not Hide.

 Suddenly a memory of Yoshiki`s clearly resurrected which seemed to be buried in the past.

 He was only ten years old.

 When he returned from school he saw his father lying on the futon in the living room, but why was his face covered with a white cloth? Crying mother and little brother sat at the bedside. With a distorted face Yoshiki stared at this picture. Someone from stayed here relatives, not wanting to disturb him, said:

 - `Father is sick and sleeping now. `

But Yoshiki understood, his father did not sleep, he died.

 - `Why did you lie? Why did my father die? `

 Yoshiki screamed and ran to his motionless father sobbing uncontrollably. Although relatives then took Yoshiki to their home, they could not stop him from crying and running into a spasm.

After his father's funeral although he had returned to normal life, he could not talk loudly, move freely, like heavy black lava absorbed him.

 Beloved father died, Father who loved him more than anyone else. There will never be another adult who would love him that much. His father was only 34.

In Yoshiki's heart love and anger at his father who left him alone were seething. He felt that death is always close to life. Someday I will die all the same.

 Cold determination had been born in the heart of the boy.

Replacing the figure of his father, he imagined himself to be dead.  To somehow escape from the sad reality, he began to yearn for world of death.

 As an adult he returned to life and it was only through music and friends whom he met on his way.  While the desire for death had not disappeared entirely but enthusiasm for rock music was the best way to inflame his life.

Playing the drums or the piano he forgot about everything, just rushed forward.

 But a close friend, with whom he could hold hands, running forward, suddenly passed away at the age of 33.

 Was it really an accident? Why had he gone alone!

Hide had always lived passionately as if unwilling to waste time in vain not sparing himself. He always inspired me. Why in the end did he leave without saying a single word?

 In the studio Yoshiki could not hide from loneliness. Strong, up to dizziness, grief engulfed him.

If I did not call Hide to join X then his fate would have been quite different, there is no doubt. If he had not met me, he would have been alive now.

 I wish I'd died instead of him.

 Yoshiki blamed himself for the death of Hide and childhood memories injuring the soul came alive with new force. He could not resist the arisen desire to leave the scene and leave the music through which he met with Hide.

The same evening the commemoration, organized by the parents of the deceased took place. It brought together members of X, the musicians who worked in a solo project with Hide, friends who knew him from indie times, young artists and of course one of the main themes of conversation was holding a memorial concert.

-`  It is necessary to arrange a concert on the first anniversary! `

 Listening to familiar voices, Yoshiki weakly replied:

 - ` Yes, it would be necessary.  `

Yoshiki constantly received proposals for such a concert in memory of Hide from famous artists and old friends, as well as young musicians who admired Hide and X.

A concert in memory of Hide.

 Of course it was not easy. To collect artists, to find a place, to spread information - great preparation was needed to conduct such an event. Still it was necessary to find the funds, to make the budget and deal with the profit properly. The concerted efforts of many people were needed.

 A tremendous amount of work was coming which required much time and Yoshiki understood that it was necessary to hold the concert at a high level so as not to sully the name of Hide.

At the end of the evening Yoshiki told friends:

 - ` When we return to Tokyo we'll have a drink again. `

 On that day when Hide passed to his eternal rest, Yoshiki's heart froze losing all the fire. He would not want to simply separate himself from embraced with grief friends. On the way back the car of Yoshiki was followed by a few dozen automobiles.

 Back in Tokyo, settled in a convenient location, everyone tried to dispel melancholy a bit with a lively conversation.

Being a musician himself, Yoshiki understood that the memorial concert would be the best expression of love from all the artists to Hide and rock music which could help them to perk up at least a little.

After 49 days Yoshiki remained in Japan for some time meeting with friends and colleagues. He began preliminary discussions about a memorial concert.

 Back in Tokyo he had so little in common with his life in Los Angeles which was filled only with music. He was busy with various chores and it seemed that his heart had calmed down a bit, However it was weird. Typically, getting tired of negotiations and meetings in Tokyo Yoshiki tried to flee to Los Angeles and lock himself in the studio.

 However, after a song dedicated to Hide had been recorded Yoshiki seemed to lose power completely believing that "passion of X times could not get a second wind, and I should not perform on stage now." .

 His body and soul needed time to be healed of a mortal wound, which was caused by the loss of Hide.

Meanwhile, much to his regret various rumors about the death of Hide began to spread. Yoshiki thought that the reason for that was a deep common grief. Perhaps wanting to somehow get rid of depression people were throwing stinging words. Overcoming a sense of outrage he had just watched all human relations to be torn with the death of Hide. Again he began to blame only himself. This chaos had arisen only through his fault. Passionately sweeping away all obstacles in his way wanting to stir up the world of Japanese rock music like a whirlwind, in his arrogance did he violate something important with his energy?

 Yoshiki lost confidence in people and their promises. He no longer knew the place where he could heal his heart.

Lately his insomnia took a turn for the worse and each evening began with breathing spasms similar to asthma as it was the day his father died.

 What to do, where to go now? Or just exist, awaiting for the time when you can finally find eternal peace?

Such thoughts crowded in his head and his eyes slid to a distant horizon line.

 Creating X, writing music, playing piano and drums, he made his choice, but now the ways are closed and if you look around you will see only a desert of loneliness. He was afraid not only for himself, he feared to carry along anyone else to change not only his own fate but somebody else’s.

 Henceforth, the old life cannot continue.

 Tired of blaming himself, Yoshiki decided to leave the scene as the leader of X and as an artist.

 "Fade out".

He felt an irresistible desire to escape not only from the scene but also from life in general.

 Tears overflowed.

 "Why?" Why did it all happen? "- He repeated silently, knowing that nobody can give him an answer.

 "It's my fault. This is all just my fault. "

Unable to bear the rough reality, Yoshiki rolled back in time, recalling the events of old days.

____________________________________________________________________________

***Without you ( translation by RipvanwinkleHADUKI)

I'm tired of walking and standing in the night

I cover my memory with flowing tears

The number of meeting makes the same number of separation, but

I believed that limitless time goes on

Now I embrace even words which hurt each other

And I only look back

I feel alone...

How should I love you

How could I feel you

Without you...

Innumerable memories fill up the time

I loved you, and I was hurt by you

I realized the depth of the word 'LOVE'.

I still remember

The days when I searched answerless tomorrow for a dream

I ask the sky which expands boundlessly meaning of birth, meaning of living now Again...

How should I love you

How could I feel you

Without you...

The endless poem of ''LOVE'',(I'll dedicate it) to you now...

Chapter 1 Part 2. Broken Heart

Hide`s mourning farewell ceremony ended on May 7th. It was attended by about thirty thousand people.  Tsukiji Hongan-ji temple neighborhoods were filled with people to preserve order more than three thousand policemen and members of self-defense forces were involved and Patrol boats were cruised along the Sumida River.

 These days theme of death and burial of the artist at the zenith of fame  has been the main topic in the media and the general grief of youth has shocked even the older generation, who knew little about the band X itself.

Why has the death of Hide made a huge impression on young people?

 How did his music, the music of X win the hearts of many people?

 The bitter irony was that it was the death of Hide that showed all the enormous energy and tremendous force of the impact of the group X.

On returning after a cremation, Yoshiki did not stop thinking about the fans who continued to mourn Hide. Maybe some of them think about committing suicide? Not wanting to remain in this world, to follow Hide's soul to another world?

 Yoshiki, who lost his sleep after arriving in Japan, could not stop thinking about it.

On May 8th a late night radio show was held in memory of Hide, in which Yoshiki participated as a guest. The reporter was Shoji Noriko, who starting with Yoshiki knew all the members of X closely for a long time, kept the broadcast devoted to the individuality of Hide. During live transmission Yoshiki tried to speak in a distinct, clear voice.

-           "There is no doubt that the death of Hide was an accident. That is why we should not give way to despair. Hide lives in my heart and so I want to pay last tributes peacefully. All I ask of the fans is to do the same. "

At this show Yoshiki told some funny things related to Hide.

 He told the funny stories as if Hide was sitting next to him.

-           "As a child, Hide was plump, really, very fat. Although by the time he began to play in the band he had lost weight but he was very afraid of getting fat again. In times of X, when he felt that he overate, he immediately went to the toilet to vomit. I was sorry to see him so upset and I used to say: "Let me also do it with you."

In these series of busy days, there were many different cases and each of them allowed Yoshiki to become the way he was today. He never doubted this for a minute .

However, this night Yoshiki could not give rest for his exhausted body. Only during the funeral ceremony he received the news from staff that two young musicians, hurrying to the funeral of Hide were killed in a car accident. The musicians of this group had always loved X. At that time they worked in Osaka and upon learning the tragic news they immediately rushed  by car to Tokyo. On their way to Tokyo they had an accident and died.

 Stricken to the innermost of his heart, Yoshiki immediately asked to send wreaths for their funerals and the next day after the ceremony at Hongan-ji Yoshiki, along with several managers and bodyguard Ito went to visit their families who lived in Vadzima on the Noto Peninsula in Kyoto.

 Families and friends of the deceased never expected the arrival of Yoshiki. They bowed low to him and thanked sincerely for his concern.

When Yoshiki returned home he kept on thinking about the words that many musicians said during the funeral of Hide. Looking with tearful eyes, they kept on saying:

 -“We have to do a memorial concert of Hide!

 We definitely want to take part in this concert. “

After the funeral, Yoshiki gathered over 400 musicians in Shibuya to commemorate Hide and just at that time once again the question about the memorial concert had been raised.

 Pain of losing beloved friend and respected artist united all those associated with rock music. Naturally the idea of gathering all musicians that worked with Hide on one stage came into existence, to leave the inextinguishable memory of him in every heart.

"The only person who can implement this plan is Yoshiki-san. Let's hold memorial! "

 Friends, the younger comrades, members of record companies, friends correspondents - all of them subscribed to this opinion. To cope with the shock after the death of Hide, it seemed the most proper thing was to arrange such a concert.

Yoshiki also shared that feeling. In comments to the press, he announced what he thought about the possibility of holding a memorial concert.

 Remembering the 50,000 fans at the gate of the temple Hongan-ji, their mournful cries, Yoshiki asked himself what he could do for all these people. If there is any way to ease the pain of fans somehow, that will be music, above all.

Losing sleep and almost falling under the weight of this tragedy Yoshiki completely lost the ability to take care of himself, but if it was possible to do something for Hide, for fans and friends - he would be ready to give all his strength.

 So he decided to use all his energy in order to hold the memorial concert on the first anniversary of hide's death.

There was another person with whom it was necessary for Yoshiki to meet, It was Taiji, who suddenly appeared during the ceremony.

Having left X after three Tokyo Dome concerts which took place from 5th to 7th of January 1992 he became a completely different person.

After leaving X,Taiji joined the group LOUDNESS as a bassist but after a year he left it also. Then he organized a band called D.T.R which began to work actively as major group. In the end he stopped working there as well (the group resumed its activity in July 2006).

After that he stopped communicating with formerly close friends and completely left the musical world. He divorced his wife, left home, taking with him only his guitar and the most necessary things and became a tramp.  At first he lived in hotels and cheap guesthouses, then when money came to an end he had to sleep in Ueno Park.

 This life lasted for about two years, later with the help of the family he was able to rent an apartment, but he could not return to his previous life so soon.

Lost the sense of reality of the existence, as if driven by thoughts of his death, Taiji was drowning himself in alcohol and was often involved in brawls.

 These days, lost in thoughts about his death, Taiji heard the tragic news of Hide.

Of course neither Yoshiki nor other members of the group had an idea about his terrible plight.

During the funeral answering the question: "How are you?" Taiji just waved his hand: "Ah". It was absolutely impossible to recognize in this man the once passionate and proud Taiji of X times, with a sharp, like challenging someone, look.

 Dressed in mourning clothes obviously off somebody’s back, he`d lost weight, like a sick man. With sunken eyes and an unsteady gait, Taiji, who was just 31 years old but looked ten or even twenty years older.  It was amazing how much his face had changed. Chin was twisted, four front teeth were broken. The reason was one of the fights in the quarters of Shibuya, where he was severely beaten.

 This man with a broken jaw and broken teeth seemed to have nothing to do with the brilliant and stylish bassist Taiji.

Undoubtedly, the group leader Yoshiki forced Taiji to leave X. The 1st of January 1992 at 5 am, he called the bass player and announced:

-              "That's it. You're fired from today. "

 In a rage, Taiji threw harsh words in his face, but Yoshiki remained firm. Whatever he would have spoke about, he was not going to change his mind.

 Joining the group, Taiji immediately became a source of controversy and Yoshiki had to oppose him. He constantly provoked conflict, criticizing others, and even Hide had repeatedly tried to stop him. The deepest contradiction he had was with Yoshiki, but the group needed Taiji's bass.

The main reason that Yoshiki decided to part with Taiji was the fact that he easily broke the oath, which they exchanged and Yoshiki just could not forgive this.

 Once in Tokyo Dome three concerts from 5th to 7th of January had passed, Taiji left the group and had not been seen since then.

On meeting Taiji again at the funeral, Yoshiki was shocked at the sight of the exhausted, like an old man, former bass player. It seemed impossible that he himself could be able to change that much. When he thought about the fate of Taiji after leaving the group he became sick at heart.

Right after the funeral Yoshiki was contacted by one of their common friends.

-              "Yoshiki-san, if you do not mind meeting Taiji-san, he asked me to give a phone number, please call."

 Yoshiki immediately remembered changed Taiji.

 Emaciated figure.

 Toothless mouth.

 Trembling hands.

Without hesitation, he immediately dialed the number.

-              "Taiji, this is Yoshiki, if you want to meet, come."

A few days later Taiji appeared in the hotel cafe which was mentioned, he looked even worse than the last time. Without mourning clothes, he seemed even thinner.

 Yoshiki handed him prepared envelope and started a conversation without further preliminaries.

-              "First of all, do the dental work.”

There were 2 million yen in an envelope. Taiji briefly glanced at the envelope and could not hide the astonished expression of his face. Knowing the stubborn nature of the bassist  Yoshiki thought that he could refuse and went on with great urgency:

-              "I cannot say that I understand you. I have never been beaten and lost teeth, but hold out, Taiji! What a pity that we'll never meet with Hide anymore. "

 After these words Taiji could not refuse.

-              "First of all, do some dental work. Then come at the 49th day to commemorate Hide. See you. "

 Taiji silently took the envelope.

  Having left his seat already Yoshiki several times looked back at Taiji, wondering how quickly time had passed.

A few days after the funeral wherever he was, whether at home or in the car - Yoshiki, looking out of the window, every time could not help but try to catch sight of Hide.

 He could not resist this, even though he spent many long nights mourning the death of his friend.

Every time in case of problems or even small difficulties, Yoshiki always asked Hide for advice. Still there was no time that he received no answer.

 However, after returning to Japan on May 3 Yoshiki has never been able to talk to him. Although Hide's voice always sounded in Yoshiki's ears, it didn't answer any questions. This indescribable feeling of losing something important filled his heart with sorrow.  Looking at himself he thought that if suddenly to leave that tireless, fast-moving life that he led until now, if to exist without moving and thinking, then maybe this would bring solace to his soul.

What do I do now?

The more you try to understand the reality of death, the more you are overwhelmed with thoughts about Hide.

But in reality the words: "Let us accept the death of Hide and watch over his eternal sleep warmly ", uttered as the leader of X at the day of the funeral to the fans and young musicians have been pronounced by him.

 What an empty advice!

Like the coming off of skin inflamed after a burn, so the soul of Yoshiki purified from a variety of emotions. It seemed that his heart was split into two parts.

 Not yet understanding the true value of the loss of a loved friend, he waited and waited for a response from Hide, who will never be able to answer.

Chapter 1. Eternal parting. Part 1. Farwell ceremony.

On the 3d of May 1998 around 4 p.m. Yoshiki arrived at Narita Airport. He quickly passed immigration and customs clearance heading to the arrivals hall. As soon as he opened the door he was met by dazzling light of great number of flash-lamps. Representatives of mass media after the death of Hide wanted to get photos of Yoshiki and waited for his arrival at the airport.

Bodyguard Ito forced back ranks of reporters tacking position near to Yoshiki and helped him to get to the waiting car. Ito who had been the bodyguard of the musician since X times couldn’t conceal the anxiety at the sight of his matted hair and haggard appearance.

-          `Is everything OK?`

The answer was barely audible.

-          `Yes.`

Yoshiki barely made his way through the ranks of reporters and immediately sat on the backseat of a car which was waiting at the exit from the airport.

This year the weather was a lot warmer than usually during the Golden week, the air was hot and wet. “ This is Japan, not Los Angeles”- Thought Yoshiki.

The car immediately rushed towards the centre of Tokyo. 

Hide’s body was placed in the Space Shinagawa hall located in Ebara Shinagawa district.

There was a silent air in the car, nobody could find the words to break it.Ito executed the duties of Hide’s bodyguard during his solo tour as well. After learning about the accident he immediately went to the hospital. Just before that Hide was taken to the morgue. His girlfriend and his brother who was the manager were staying near his still warm body. On seeing the face of lying Hide Ito went speechless unable to believe in what has just happened. The recent conversation immediately came up in his mind. Sipping sake Hide told Ito that he found a piece of land for a house construction recently.  Together with his father he went to see this piece of land and he liked the neighborhood and conditions of sale, so he contributed money to buy the land not long ago.

-          `If the house is built it will be possible to arrange a studio on the underground floor.`

Hide wanted to record music in his studio and he eagerly spoke about the national tour.

-          `I’m looking forward to the national tour in autumn. Ito-san will you be my bodyguard?`

Hide looked so happy dreaming about the future and it was impossible to catch the slightest premonition of trouble.

Ito thought that he should tell Yoshiki about this conversation but Yoshiki persistently kept silence gazing depressively out of the window and Ito was unable to start a conversation.

That day when Yoshiki in Los Angeles had been told tragic news family and friends began the preparations for the funeral.  Unconfirmed reports and vague rumors had been spread in the media and caused panic among Hide and X fans.  Members of the press after learning of the tragic news immediately began collecting information in the hospital and near the house of Hide.

To allow everyone to say goodbye to Hide quietly the time for preparations was needed and above all the suitable place had to be found not to attract too much attention from the press and fans. After careful deliberations Space Shinagawa hall had been chosen. Hide’s body had been taken there, but before the beginning of the funeral, the information remained disclosed for everyone, except family and friends.

Having received the news, friends couldn’t recover from the shock and during the time of preparations couldn’t have talked about anything else.

First of all of course Pata and Heath came , and also Toshi, who left the group in 1997. The members of Hide with Spread Beaver, Luna Sea and Ladiesroom also came to Space Shinagawa hall.

The hall was filled with grief and a truly heart-rending sobs of all those who loved Hide.  Voices called him by the name were replaced by tears. The administration of the hall gave the permission to stay there longer than usual, and so everyone stayed close to Hide, shrouded in smoke of the aromatic candles, still unable to bear the pain of such loss.

When at 10 o’clock the doors began to close, Taiji suddenly appeared. Nothing has been heard of him, since he left X in January, 1992. Barely recovering his breath he said that he ran several miles to make it to the farewell place.

Late at night, after work the members of Buck-Tick came. They entered the back door and watched Hide in complete silence.

Friends remained with Hide almost till dawn and only after receiving a message about Yoshiki ‘s tomorrow arrival, they began to leave.

In the evening of May the 3d, Yoshiki arrived to Space Shinagawa. In the spacious hall the dais was built and there he laid, Hide. The smoke of aromatic candles was streaming before him and several times more people gathered around.  Many young musicians who saw Hide as their elder brother hastened to come to this hall. The coffin could not be seen from the backs of gathered people.

On seeing Yoshiki, who has never been seen since  their last live on the 31^st of December, 1997, arrived right from the airport, Pata, Heath and also members of the groups Luna Sea and Spread Beaver rose from their places. Not finding the right words they just silently followed him with their eyes.

Yoshiki walked slowly to the dais and could not look away from Hide, lying quietly in a white coffin. His face was amazingly beautiful, It seemed that he was sleeping quietly with a peaceful smile on his face.

Yoshiki was staring at Hide. It seemed that the tears, that had already been sobbed out on the plane ran down with renewed strength.

-          ` Hide, wake up! ` - called Yoshiki, but there was no answer.

From the bottom of his heart, he called again and again for his friend, begging him to wake up.

-          ` Why do you sleep here? Wake up, Hide, wake up now! `

Wiping away tears with a handkerchief so as not to wet his friend’s face, Yoshiki called him, without ceasing.

-          “Yoshiki!”

Suddenly, like a clear ringing voice reached his ears.

Before his mind’s eye Yoshiki saw the smiling face of Hide and froze waiting for a miracle, but nothing more was heard. For a long time he stood and looked at Hide until he had been able to accept the fact that his friend would never rise again. It was only after a long time that he slowly walked away from the coffin.

Pata, Heath and other musicians sitting around brought him a chair, and once again the time infused with grief began to pass away slowly.

In such a place, at such a time it was impossible to conduct any personal conversations.  Therefore Pata and Heath who had not seen Yoshiki for about five months just quietly asked how things were going and how was his work. Of course, the conversation almost immediately stopped. Now, when Hide was not here anymore these three were particularly hurt and there were no words to express this agonizing feeling.

Nobody ate nor drank, and although it was midnight no one left. It was only after three at night that people shocked by the death of their friend left the hall, walking uncertainly.

Yoshiki arrived at his apartment in Tokyo, but couldn’t get any sleep. Watching city blocks out of the top floor window he couldn’t think of anything else. The image of Hide shone before his eyes.

Although Yoshiki heard only fragment`s of information about the incident, he was unable to believe in a deliberate suicide of his friend.

The previous evening at 10 o'clock Hide finished recording for TV and went along with other band members for a drink.  He was completely drunk after the revelry lasted almost until dawn, which was not surprising.  This often happened to Hide who was an alcoholic.

Hide`s younger brother who was also his manager brought Hide home on the 2^nd of May at about 6 o’clock in the morning. Only an hour and a half later he was found unconscious with a towel around his neck.  There was a switched on computer on the table in his room, apparently Hide was writing messages to fans on his site.

Is it possible, that Hide who was fond of tricks was just having fun, but due to inaccurate motion met his death? This could also be true.

And in just one hour!

Yoshiki sighed deeply as if trying to get rid of the endless pain, as though his chest was stabbed and his consciousness was growing obscure. All his body was on fire and his blood seemed to boil like it was going to disappear altogether.

If only he could lose contact with reality in all this chaos…….

Continuing to live on, will he be able to survive through this grief? Will he ever find solace in someone or something?  For now he was only capable of fully immersing himself in grief.  Why, why did Hide die? He could not understand it.

Even seeing him in the coffin, touching the cold forehead, cheeks and lips, he still could not realize that Hide really no longer exists.

The death of Hide, his own life, X, everything seemed to be lost and there was no way to cope with such a pain.

Most of all Yoshiki wanted to close his eyes and open them only to see his bedroom in Los Angeles. Maybe it’s not a reality, but a prolonged nightmare….. Desperately clinging to this hope he like being in a fog closed his eyes several times. When he opened them again he saw only a brightening sky, the sky of Tokyo, in which there was no Hide anymore.

On the 4^th of May, Yoshiki was back in Space Shinagawa before midday.

The mourning ceremony was decided to be held in the Tsukiji Hongan-ji temple, about which was announced in the press.

On the 5^th of May the closed ceremony for relatives and friends of the deceased was held.  On the 6^th of May- the night service was held and on the 7^th of May-the funeral.  The time for fans to lay flowers was assigned to the 6th and the 7th of May.

Yoshiki and close relatives were now to move the body of the deceased to a special place for the funeral ceremony at the temple Tsukiji Hongan-ji. However the reporters were able to learn where the body of Hide was and a number of cars gathered near the exit in anticipation.

They had the intention of accompanying the car with their cars and motorcycles, to avoid this a false car went first. After the gathered operators and reporters followed it, the car with Hide went to the temple.

On arrival the body of Hide was placed on a prepared dais. During all preparations Yoshiki stayed with his friend’s family and mourned with them. Every time he saw their eyes, full of pain, he wanted to scream.

Toshi, who left the band on the 20^th of April 1997 and participated in Last Live on the 31^st of December 1997 came to Tsukiji Hongan-ji.  Taiji who had not been heard about for a long time, suddenly appeared the day before on hearing of Hide’s death also came to the temple. What a tragic event brought all the members of X together!

Sitting in front of the coffin, biting his lips until they hurt, Yoshiki watched lost in despair friends and young musicians.

Even now he could not realize and accept the death of Hide and could do nothing to help others. Gradually he felt an aversion for his own impotence.

Many young musicians under the enormous influence of Yoshiki and Hide loved X and subsequently entered the world of rock- music themselves.

Seeing their despair and sorrow, Yoshiki tried to tell them the words in defiance of his heart.

-          ` Do not be so; let’s see Hide off with dignity.  `

It is necessary to hold on. Uniting the feelings of all present, the funeral ceremony should be held with dignity and without incidents.

No matter how it hurt him, he should fully meet the debt of X leader.

Yoshiki changed into mourning clothes. Everything happened too fast and he had no time to mourn the loss of Hide, remaining all alone.

After midday, staying at the temple, Yoshiki heard tragic news. Some of the girls who loved and admired Hide, on receiving the news about his death had such a strong shock, followed his example and commit suicide.  It was then that Yoshiki realized if Hide was no longer here, only he, as a leader of X could prevent the repetition of such tragedies.

That same evening he held an emergency press conference at the gates of Hongan-ji.

At the gates Yoshiki was met by the strong light of the cameras, a lot of flash-lights and the sorrowful weeping from the crowd of fans. He got folded paper out of the package, bowed and began to read his own written message.

-          “I'm very shocked to hear about his death, I still can't believe what has happened right now. He's sleeping with a beautiful face, I tried to wake him up many times, but he's still sleeping.”

Tears dripped into a white handkerchief, in the middle of the speech words seemed stuck in his throat. He turned away and stooped his face covered with a handkerchief, but he could not, should not interrupt this press conference.

-          “Between the five of us, Hide was the one who kept his calm and thought out things. Even though I was the leader he was the calm one who gave me good advice when I was being short tempered and emotional. Of course with all that pressure he too almost lost his identity, but during those hard times he'd always give me a call. We would talk about X, music, friends, life, fans, almost anything. He was like a big brother to me and sometimes like a young brother too. We'd drink together and sometimes fight, but the next day he'd come to me and say, `"Yoshiki, have I done something last night? I'm sorry, I don't remember a thing."` But this time, he didn't say anything back to me... sleeping.

To all fans and friends, you must all be confused. I also cannot express this sadness in words, but we must understand and accept this painful reality. Everyone please watch over his eternal sleep warmly.”

On finishing the reading of the message Yoshiki bowed again.

 These words spoken with tears in his eyes, but firmly, became a strong support for the fans who tried to survive the tragic event.

 However, Yoshiki felt himself a hypocrite. After all, he just wanted to disappear from life as well. The awareness of the fact that the death of Hide became a trigger which caused other tragedies wounded his heart deeply.

The next day on the May 5th there were about 500 people at a closed ceremony - relatives, close friends, employees of the record company and Hide's office as well as fellow musicians.

 Several thousands of people, who were weeping and mourning, had gathered at the gate of the temple and stood there until the very evening.

On May 6^th on the day of the night-service from 10 am to 9 pm, about twenty thousand fans came to the temple to lay flowers.

   A large portrait of the deceased was placed in the memorial hall. In the red suit with bright scarlet hair, Hide in silence watched the people who came.

Still uniformed schoolgirls, young rock musicians, many cosplayers dressed in the concert costumes of X, everyone came to the portrait and prayed with tears.

From the unbearable grief, many fainted and ambulance sirens every now and then tore the silence.

 After that, Yoshiki, Toshi, Pata and Heath all in the same mourning clothes, appeared at a news conference.

During this period the information on suicides and suicide attempts proceeded to arrive so it was very important to appeal to fans again.

 When the interview questions had started, Yoshiki struggled to find the right words.

He wanted to convey to everybody the thought that the death of Hide was not intentional. He told the press  that they talked a lot with Hide and they decided to revive X JAPAN in 2000.

-          "We talked about how that now having a commitment to audience we needed to make a pause and brake up as yet and then by the year of 2000 to find a new singer and start over. We promised that to each other. Together we discussed the future and a new band of X JAPAN. "

When the conversation touched on the fans, which had lost their desire to live and decided to follow Hide, Yoshiki despite the tears tried to strengthen his voice.

-           "Please do not do that in any case! I think it would upset Hide very much. Now I'm constantly thinking about what would have pleased him and what would have saddened.  As if he continues to live in my heart. So I want to stop everything that would cause him pain.

We think that now all of the fans are really embraced by sadness and confusion, and although this is the biggest sorrow, we must try to survive it. We must also try to support everyone doing everything possible. "

Pata and Heath supported the appeal of Yoshiki concisely.

 When Toshi was asked about Hide, he just repeated several times softly: "I cannot speak." Seeing the look full of pain and Toshi's exhausted face, Yoshiki wanted to support him and for the first time since LAST LIVE he had touched Toshi patting him on the back.

Tsukiji station exit on the Hibiya subway line which was located near the temple Hongan-ji was crowded with people. Silent crowds of young people gathered in the vicinity of the temple.

 On May 7th at 1 p.m. the funeral of Hide or Matsumoto Hideto began. He was only 33 years old.  About five thousand people brought flowers and the line to lay the flowers stretched along the Sumida River for two miles.

 Yoshiki along with the family of the deceased took place in the first row looking at people who approached to say farewell to Hide.

Directly beneath a large portrait 22 guitars which Hide played on concerts were placed. In the center of the mourning hall filled with roses and orchids, laid Hide in his coffin, dressed in the same camouflage clothing, which pleased him so much and his favorite cowboy hat and a long-haired pink wig were put next to him.

 The Farewell ceremony lasted for a long time.  When the time came, Yoshiki prepared to say a farewell speech. When he started reading the message to Hide which was written the night before everybody raised their heads at once.

-          "Hide, I still remember that day, the day when we first met. We did not need many ceremonies; we immediately started talking to each other as if we had known each other for years. "I am Hide of Saver Tiger", "I am Yoshiki of X group and somehow, we became close friends immediately. "

Yoshiki's voice though trembling was clearly audible in the hushed room.

-           "Even then I had a hunch that someday we would play together in one band.

By the time we met I had been joined by school friend Toshi, then Pata and Taiji joined us, it seemed we were only waiting for Hide. Hide said: "Yoshiki, I quit music."

"No, let's play together!" - I called him, and then, Hide who had always refused to leave his group frankly said: "Okay. Come on  From now on I am X, too ". And those simple words sounded like a unique promise. Whatever happened afterwards, he never regretted his decision.

Then the usual routine began. There were no simple ways. There was no other band with a such flamboyant look and dyed hair in the world. Wherever we came we were taken simply for the special group. Sometimes there were evenings when there was no money and we slept in the park, pushed the car with a failed engine. Still it was good, because we were together.

 Five years have passed and our dream became a reality. Days rushed like a whirlwind. Sometimes I lost myself but with Hide's support I moved on ahead again. "If it were not for Yoshiki, there would not have been present me" - how many times he repeated these words. But if we had not met, then the present me, too would not exist.

A hard blow hit the band but this is not the final break- up. He promised to revive X in 2000 again, he always spoke with pride: "I am still Hide from X JAPAN".

 Why is he gone, leaving us forever? No matter how painful and bitter it was now, one more thing should be told. Thank you so much for everything. So far and in the future, me and all of us loved Hide and will continue to love him, whatever happened we still remained X JAPAN. I swear. So, rest in peace. 

Yoshiki. "

After that, Yoshiki went to the piano Toshi, Pata and Heath took their places beside him. In memory of Hide they decided to perform Forever Love. Yoshiki hit the keys and the melody poured. Toshi was clutching a microphone in one hand and a rosary in the other. His crystal clear voice filled the room.

Yoshiki, full of thoughts about Hide, listened to the voice of Toshi and felt like he was going to faint. Royal stood right in front of the coffin of Hide and now this song became his requiem.

 You must continue ...

 You cannot interrupt this song ...

 Forever Love Forever Dream

Yoshiki barely played the piano and remnants of the mind seemed to leave his intense consciousness. In his dazed mind there were persistent images and feelings. Playing in front of Hide's coffin Yoshiki was thinking about something else.

 Hide, I want to meet you quick. I finally returned from Los Angeles, we must talk soon.

He barely kept from shutting down his mind completely from the terrible reality.

At 3.40, the carrying out of the coffin took place. Yoshiki and other members of X JAPAN, relatives and friends carefully picked him up and went down the stairs to a waiting hearse at the gate. Heaven seemed to be startled from a mournful scream of fans.

 The procession proceeded to the place of cremation -Yoyohata hall. Sitting in the car among the moans and tears Yoshiki made his last effort to hold on.

 During the ceremony members of the group did not say a word. Following the will of the family of the deceased Hide's ashes were placed in a small ceramic urn by more than a hundred friends.

During this solemn ceremony the heart of Yoshiki was embraced with silence. It was the silence of death which he had felt obviously to come to him since his age of ten.

Prologue. 2nd of May 1998. The death of Hide.

On this day Yoshiki was driving his Lexus, usually he assigned this to his driver or secretary, and stayed on the back seat. Too many business phone calls made an atmosphere of tension during the ride, but this day everything was different. There was plenty of time for the recording scheduled that evening so there was no need to hurry.

It takes only half an hour of riding the speedway to get to the studio located in North Hollywood, but this time Yoshiki took a turn onto the usual road.

It was the beginning of the evening of May the  1^st  1998,  but the sky over Los Angeles was still light and warm sun rays were flowing on the ground.  Watching the blue sky spreading behind the windshield Yoshiki was enjoying the short ride.

Suddenly a phone call came in, this number was known to a very limited number of people, so Yoshiki understood immediately who was calling.  This must be Amy, his American secretary.

-          ` Hello, Yoshiki! `

The voice was not Amy’s but some young firm employee’s.

-          ` What happened? `

Answering the question, the employee started talking quickly:

-          ` I got this number from Amy, there was a call from Japan which said that there is an emergency, and you were asked to call this number. `

This was the number of a close acquaintance.

When Yoshiki heard the girl’s words, the blue sky faded before his eyes.

“ An emergency…..”

Something happened to the members of the family or to someone from the staff? Someone had a car accident or its just troubles at work? On finishing the call, Yoshiki dialed the familiar number, without delaying it until coming to the studio.

The call was answered nearly immediately.

-          ` What happened?`  - Asked Yoshiki  trying to stay calm.

-          The voice of a friend sounded distant .  Yoshiki heard only one phrase:

-          ` Hide died this morning…..` 

Maybe the familiar voice was saying something else, but Yoshiki had not heard anything already. He did not remember how he had finished the talk.

Hide died?

There was a complete mix-up in his head. He didn’t understand where to go or what to do.

Hide died…..

In that very moment Yoshiki had heard these words, pronounced by a quiet voice, his thoughts switched off. Later he could not recall what he was thinking about in these minutes.  His hands on the wheel  got cold; glitter from sun rays were striking his eyes. Wearing a handy black t-shirt and training trousers, Yoshiki felt like his entire body numbed and went to the bottom of the sea.

Gasping for breath, he opened the window. The hundred times watched view behind the window seemed strange and unfamiliar.

In some time he realized that he had lost his way.  Having made couple of turns, he saw that it was  impossible to drive out to the highway, and proceeded his way along an unknown road.

After ten minutes of such driving he had to stop the car, sighing deeply Yoshiki, for the first time thought about the trustworthiness of this information.

What had happened to hide? Maybe he was in a car accident? Is it possible to say “died” without possessing the whole lot of information? Maybe circumstances haven’t been cleared up yet? Maybe everything is just not as it seems?

But on the other hand, Yoshiki knew that the man who told him the news was not lying. Still, something has just happened.

Clutching with his cold hands he ordered himself to drive towards the studio urgently.

Starting the engine for the second time and clenching the wheel he managed to drive out to the highway, but he was not able to stop the quiver shaking his body.

Within half an hour he saw the familiar studio parking lot. Having jumped out of the car, he flew up the stairs and announced his arrival via intercom.  As soon a member of staff opened the heavy wooden door he passed the wide corridor and disappeared in his office.

Without sitting he dialed the number of X-Japan Head office in Tokyo, It must of been

10 a.m on the 2^nd of March in Japan.

Waiting for connection Yoshiki kept on hoping that truth would be discovered and he calmed down. He will be able to return to his recording, scheduled for today.

Soon he heard the familiar voice of the manager. He was sounded so clear as if coming from the next room.

Yoshiki started to talk rapidly:

-          ` I’ve just been notified about hide, but I don`t understand what has happened.

-          ` Right! We’ve just received a message, Hide died this morning.

The manager proceeded to talk calmly.

` On the 2<sup>nd</sup> of March, at approximately half past seven in his own apartment in Minatoka Minami-adzabu Hide was found sitting with a towel around his neck which was fixed to the door knob. Hide was found unconscious by a girl who lived with him.`

-          ` That’s how it is…. `

Yoshiki wasn’t able to pronounce a word, he had known this girl very well for ages.

` Connected to a volume ventilator Hide was rushed to the Hiro Hospital, but they failed to save his life. He was pronounced dead at 8:52 a.m. After consulting his next of kin, the preparation for his funeral has been started.  Such unexpected news has also received wide response in media.`

Yoshiki had been listening to manager’s talk in complete silence and only forced himself to speak:

-          ` I’m returning to Japan immediately.`

Yoshiki hung up he leaned with both hands on the black polished table as if he suddenly lost all his strength and then sat down in his black leather chair with high back and thought deeply.

First of all, it is necessary to let the engineers go gathered in the studio for the evenings recording. It was he who commissioned it to the staff members. He then called Amy.

- ` I urgently need to book a ticket for the next flight to Narita.`

The ticket was booked for the 1 a.m. flight on the 2^nd of May.

Later Yoshiki traveled back home from studio, he sat down on the sofa in his spacious living-room and remained motionless for the whole evening, and then aghast, as if lost a sense of reality, he exclaimed:

-          ` Hide died….This can’t be true`

Yoshiki remembered an international telephone call when he talked to Hide about a month ago, and his cheerful voice.

-          `Yoshiki! How is it going?`

As always, hide’s happy voice greeted him and started the talk about life.

-          `What are you doing now?`

Yoshiki said that he was finishing working with the disc of Takeshi Kitano’s daughter Syoko, which he was producing.

-          `Excellent work!`

-          `It’s very good!`

There was nothing strange about the talk, and he didn’t say anything about his matters.

-          `Bye!`

And the conversation finished.

That’s why Yoshiki couldn’t understand the reason for his sudden death.

 The figure of fun-loving Hide, laughing, with slightly narrowed eyes, vividly appeared before his eyes. In the time of X Yoshiki and Hide often hit people with their childish antics. During the national tour it often happened that they behaved like schoolboys, fooling around together, throwing pillows in the hotel room, making people around them frustrated.

Maybe now hide started another prank? Making people around scared, and then appearing before us with such a clever look on his face. When it comes to Hide even more is possible.

After that, Yoshiki’s mood slightly improved, but he started to get angry. If he decided to trick me, he will not get away with it! When I’ll see him, I’ll make him pay and a heavy price.

So alternately feeling sorry and angry for a friend  Yoshiki spent all night without  closing his eyes.

Taking a shower, putting on a white shirt and a black suit Yoshiki looked in the mirror and was not surprised at his pale looks.

Not having had breakfast he went to the airport in Los Angeles as though he was afraid to lose a minute.

Upon arriving at the airport he immediately checked in at the ANA counter and went into the waiting room.

Suddenly he saw his friend’s figure evidently waiting for a flight to Tokyo.

- `Hide, wait!`

Praying that all this was just a bad joke Yoshiki sank into the nearest free seat, but the figure of Hide boarding the plane was still before his eyes.

When Yoshiki finally entered the plane he saw that on the contrary to his expectations first-class seats were empty. That’s it! No more excuses.  I’m going to kill him, when we meet. No one will stop me.

The plane took off.  Yoshiki felt pressure on his back, but the smiling face of Hide stood before his eyes.

Soon the aircraft gained height and passengers were offered drinks. Yoshiki ordered a mineral water. He had no appetite. It’s OK the water will be enough to survive the twenty - hours flight.

The next minute he saw the NHK news on the front screen and his gaze was fixed upon this. It was the seven o’clock news on the 3rd of May.

`The suicide of the former X –JAPAN member HIDE.`

Now it was impossible not to recognize that all that happened was true. On hearing the news, Yoshiki cried out weakly and covered his face with his hands. Hide’s smile and his jolly laughing slowly faded in his mind’s eye.

Hugging himself with his arms Yoshiki bit his lip painfully trying hard to keep away sobs rushing from his throat, but under the dark glasses tears visible to no one ran down his cheeks.