On the 3d of May 1998 around 4 p.m. Yoshiki arrived at Narita Airport. He quickly passed immigration and customs clearance heading to the arrivals hall. As soon as he opened the door he was met by dazzling light of great number of flash-lamps. Representatives of mass media after the death of Hide wanted to get photos of Yoshiki and waited for his arrival at the airport.
Bodyguard Ito forced back ranks of reporters tacking position near to Yoshiki and helped him to get to the waiting car. Ito who had been the bodyguard of the musician since X times couldn’t conceal the anxiety at the sight of his matted hair and haggard appearance.
- `Is everything OK?`
The answer was barely audible.
- `Yes.`
Yoshiki barely made his way through the ranks of reporters and immediately sat on the backseat of a car which was waiting at the exit from the airport.
This year the weather was a lot warmer than usually during the Golden week, the air was hot and wet. “ This is Japan, not Los Angeles”- Thought Yoshiki.
The car immediately rushed towards the centre of Tokyo.
Hide’s body was placed in the Space Shinagawa hall located in Ebara Shinagawa district.
There was a silent air in the car, nobody could find the words to break it.Ito executed the duties of Hide’s bodyguard during his solo tour as well. After learning about the accident he immediately went to the hospital. Just before that Hide was taken to the morgue. His girlfriend and his brother who was the manager were staying near his still warm body. On seeing the face of lying Hide Ito went speechless unable to believe in what has just happened. The recent conversation immediately came up in his mind. Sipping sake Hide told Ito that he found a piece of land for a house construction recently. Together with his father he went to see this piece of land and he liked the neighborhood and conditions of sale, so he contributed money to buy the land not long ago.
- `If the house is built it will be possible to arrange a studio on the underground floor.`
Hide wanted to record music in his studio and he eagerly spoke about the national tour.
- `I’m looking forward to the national tour in autumn. Ito-san will you be my bodyguard?`
Hide looked so happy dreaming about the future and it was impossible to catch the slightest premonition of trouble.
Ito thought that he should tell Yoshiki about this conversation but Yoshiki persistently kept silence gazing depressively out of the window and Ito was unable to start a conversation.
That day when Yoshiki in Los Angeles had been told tragic news family and friends began the preparations for the funeral. Unconfirmed reports and vague rumors had been spread in the media and caused panic among Hide and X fans. Members of the press after learning of the tragic news immediately began collecting information in the hospital and near the house of Hide.
To allow everyone to say goodbye to Hide quietly the time for preparations was needed and above all the suitable place had to be found not to attract too much attention from the press and fans. After careful deliberations Space Shinagawa hall had been chosen. Hide’s body had been taken there, but before the beginning of the funeral, the information remained disclosed for everyone, except family and friends.
Having received the news, friends couldn’t recover from the shock and during the time of preparations couldn’t have talked about anything else.
First of all of course Pata and Heath came , and also Toshi, who left the group in 1997. The members of Hide with Spread Beaver, Luna Sea and Ladiesroom also came to Space Shinagawa hall.
The hall was filled with grief and a truly heart-rending sobs of all those who loved Hide. Voices called him by the name were replaced by tears. The administration of the hall gave the permission to stay there longer than usual, and so everyone stayed close to Hide, shrouded in smoke of the aromatic candles, still unable to bear the pain of such loss.
When at 10 o’clock the doors began to close, Taiji suddenly appeared. Nothing has been heard of him, since he left X in January, 1992. Barely recovering his breath he said that he ran several miles to make it to the farewell place.
Late at night, after work the members of Buck-Tick came. They entered the back door and watched Hide in complete silence.
Friends remained with Hide almost till dawn and only after receiving a message about Yoshiki ‘s tomorrow arrival, they began to leave.
In the evening of May the 3d, Yoshiki arrived to Space Shinagawa. In the spacious hall the dais was built and there he laid, Hide. The smoke of aromatic candles was streaming before him and several times more people gathered around. Many young musicians who saw Hide as their elder brother hastened to come to this hall. The coffin could not be seen from the backs of gathered people.
On seeing Yoshiki, who has never been seen since their last live on the 31st of December, 1997, arrived right from the airport, Pata, Heath and also members of the groups Luna Sea and Spread Beaver rose from their places. Not finding the right words they just silently followed him with their eyes.
Yoshiki walked slowly to the dais and could not look away from Hide, lying quietly in a white coffin. His face was amazingly beautiful, It seemed that he was sleeping quietly with a peaceful smile on his face.
Yoshiki was staring at Hide. It seemed that the tears, that had already been sobbed out on the plane ran down with renewed strength.
- ` Hide, wake up! ` - called Yoshiki, but there was no answer.
From the bottom of his heart, he called again and again for his friend, begging him to wake up.
- ` Why do you sleep here? Wake up, Hide, wake up now! `
Wiping away tears with a handkerchief so as not to wet his friend’s face, Yoshiki called him, without ceasing.
- “Yoshiki!”
Suddenly, like a clear ringing voice reached his ears.
Before his mind’s eye Yoshiki saw the smiling face of Hide and froze waiting for a miracle, but nothing more was heard. For a long time he stood and looked at Hide until he had been able to accept the fact that his friend would never rise again. It was only after a long time that he slowly walked away from the coffin.
Pata, Heath and other musicians sitting around brought him a chair, and once again the time infused with grief began to pass away slowly.
In such a place, at such a time it was impossible to conduct any personal conversations. Therefore Pata and Heath who had not seen Yoshiki for about five months just quietly asked how things were going and how was his work. Of course, the conversation almost immediately stopped. Now, when Hide was not here anymore these three were particularly hurt and there were no words to express this agonizing feeling.
Nobody ate nor drank, and although it was midnight no one left. It was only after three at night that people shocked by the death of their friend left the hall, walking uncertainly.
Yoshiki arrived at his apartment in Tokyo, but couldn’t get any sleep. Watching city blocks out of the top floor window he couldn’t think of anything else. The image of Hide shone before his eyes.
Although Yoshiki heard only fragment`s of information about the incident, he was unable to believe in a deliberate suicide of his friend.
The previous evening at 10 o'clock Hide finished recording for TV and went along with other band members for a drink. He was completely drunk after the revelry lasted almost until dawn, which was not surprising. This often happened to Hide who was an alcoholic.
Hide`s younger brother who was also his manager brought Hide home on the 2nd of May at about 6 o’clock in the morning. Only an hour and a half later he was found unconscious with a towel around his neck. There was a switched on computer on the table in his room, apparently Hide was writing messages to fans on his site.
Is it possible, that Hide who was fond of tricks was just having fun, but due to inaccurate motion met his death? This could also be true.
And in just one hour!
Yoshiki sighed deeply as if trying to get rid of the endless pain, as though his chest was stabbed and his consciousness was growing obscure. All his body was on fire and his blood seemed to boil like it was going to disappear altogether.
If only he could lose contact with reality in all this chaos…….
Continuing to live on, will he be able to survive through this grief? Will he ever find solace in someone or something? For now he was only capable of fully immersing himself in grief. Why, why did Hide die? He could not understand it.
Even seeing him in the coffin, touching the cold forehead, cheeks and lips, he still could not realize that Hide really no longer exists.
The death of Hide, his own life, X, everything seemed to be lost and there was no way to cope with such a pain.
Most of all Yoshiki wanted to close his eyes and open them only to see his bedroom in Los Angeles. Maybe it’s not a reality, but a prolonged nightmare….. Desperately clinging to this hope he like being in a fog closed his eyes several times. When he opened them again he saw only a brightening sky, the sky of Tokyo, in which there was no Hide anymore.
On the 4th of May, Yoshiki was back in Space Shinagawa before midday.
The mourning ceremony was decided to be held in the Tsukiji Hongan-ji temple, about which was announced in the press.
On the 5th of May the closed ceremony for relatives and friends of the deceased was held. On the 6th of May- the night service was held and on the 7th of May-the funeral. The time for fans to lay flowers was assigned to the 6th and the 7th of May.
Yoshiki and close relatives were now to move the body of the deceased to a special place for the funeral ceremony at the temple Tsukiji Hongan-ji. However the reporters were able to learn where the body of Hide was and a number of cars gathered near the exit in anticipation.
They had the intention of accompanying the car with their cars and motorcycles, to avoid this a false car went first. After the gathered operators and reporters followed it, the car with Hide went to the temple.
On arrival the body of Hide was placed on a prepared dais. During all preparations Yoshiki stayed with his friend’s family and mourned with them. Every time he saw their eyes, full of pain, he wanted to scream.
Toshi, who left the band on the 20th of April 1997 and participated in Last Live on the 31st of December 1997 came to Tsukiji Hongan-ji. Taiji who had not been heard about for a long time, suddenly appeared the day before on hearing of Hide’s death also came to the temple. What a tragic event brought all the members of X together!
Sitting in front of the coffin, biting his lips until they hurt, Yoshiki watched lost in despair friends and young musicians.
Even now he could not realize and accept the death of Hide and could do nothing to help others. Gradually he felt an aversion for his own impotence.
Many young musicians under the enormous influence of Yoshiki and Hide loved X and subsequently entered the world of rock- music themselves.
Seeing their despair and sorrow, Yoshiki tried to tell them the words in defiance of his heart.
- ` Do not be so; let’s see Hide off with dignity. `
It is necessary to hold on. Uniting the feelings of all present, the funeral ceremony should be held with dignity and without incidents.
No matter how it hurt him, he should fully meet the debt of X leader.
Yoshiki changed into mourning clothes. Everything happened too fast and he had no time to mourn the loss of Hide, remaining all alone.
After midday, staying at the temple, Yoshiki heard tragic news. Some of the girls who loved and admired Hide, on receiving the news about his death had such a strong shock, followed his example and commit suicide. It was then that Yoshiki realized if Hide was no longer here, only he, as a leader of X could prevent the repetition of such tragedies.
That same evening he held an emergency press conference at the gates of Hongan-ji.
At the gates Yoshiki was met by the strong light of the cameras, a lot of flash-lights and the sorrowful weeping from the crowd of fans. He got folded paper out of the package, bowed and began to read his own written message.
- “I'm very shocked to hear about his death, I still can't believe what has happened right now. He's sleeping with a beautiful face, I tried to wake him up many times, but he's still sleeping.”
Tears dripped into a white handkerchief, in the middle of the speech words seemed stuck in his throat. He turned away and stooped his face covered with a handkerchief, but he could not, should not interrupt this press conference.
- “Between the five of us, Hide was the one who kept his calm and thought out things. Even though I was the leader he was the calm one who gave me good advice when I was being short tempered and emotional. Of course with all that pressure he too almost lost his identity, but during those hard times he'd always give me a call. We would talk about X, music, friends, life, fans, almost anything. He was like a big brother to me and sometimes like a young brother too. We'd drink together and sometimes fight, but the next day he'd come to me and say, `"Yoshiki, have I done something last night? I'm sorry, I don't remember a thing."` But this time, he didn't say anything back to me... sleeping.
To all fans and friends, you must all be confused. I also cannot express this sadness in words, but we must understand and accept this painful reality. Everyone please watch over his eternal sleep warmly.”
On finishing the reading of the message Yoshiki bowed again.
These words spoken with tears in his eyes, but firmly, became a strong support for the fans who tried to survive the tragic event.
However, Yoshiki felt himself a hypocrite. After all, he just wanted to disappear from life as well. The awareness of the fact that the death of Hide became a trigger which caused other tragedies wounded his heart deeply.
The next day on the May 5th there were about 500 people at a closed ceremony - relatives, close friends, employees of the record company and Hide's office as well as fellow musicians.
Several thousands of people, who were weeping and mourning, had gathered at the gate of the temple and stood there until the very evening.
On May 6th on the day of the night-service from 10 am to 9 pm, about twenty thousand fans came to the temple to lay flowers.
A large portrait of the deceased was placed in the memorial hall. In the red suit with bright scarlet hair, Hide in silence watched the people who came.
Still uniformed schoolgirls, young rock musicians, many cosplayers dressed in the concert costumes of X, everyone came to the portrait and prayed with tears.
From the unbearable grief, many fainted and ambulance sirens every now and then tore the silence.
After that, Yoshiki, Toshi, Pata and Heath all in the same mourning clothes, appeared at a news conference.
During this period the information on suicides and suicide attempts proceeded to arrive so it was very important to appeal to fans again.
When the interview questions had started, Yoshiki struggled to find the right words.
He wanted to convey to everybody the thought that the death of Hide was not intentional. He told the press that they talked a lot with Hide and they decided to revive X JAPAN in 2000.
- "We talked about how that now having a commitment to audience we needed to make a pause and brake up as yet and then by the year of 2000 to find a new singer and start over. We promised that to each other. Together we discussed the future and a new band of X JAPAN. "
When the conversation touched on the fans, which had lost their desire to live and decided to follow Hide, Yoshiki despite the tears tried to strengthen his voice.
- "Please do not do that in any case! I think it would upset Hide very much. Now I'm constantly thinking about what would have pleased him and what would have saddened. As if he continues to live in my heart. So I want to stop everything that would cause him pain.
We think that now all of the fans are really embraced by sadness and confusion, and although this is the biggest sorrow, we must try to survive it. We must also try to support everyone doing everything possible. "
Pata and Heath supported the appeal of Yoshiki concisely.
When Toshi was asked about Hide, he just repeated several times softly: "I cannot speak." Seeing the look full of pain and Toshi's exhausted face, Yoshiki wanted to support him and for the first time since LAST LIVE he had touched Toshi patting him on the back.
Tsukiji station exit on the Hibiya subway line which was located near the temple Hongan-ji was crowded with people. Silent crowds of young people gathered in the vicinity of the temple.
On May 7th at 1 p.m. the funeral of Hide or Matsumoto Hideto began. He was only 33 years old. About five thousand people brought flowers and the line to lay the flowers stretched along the Sumida River for two miles.
Yoshiki along with the family of the deceased took place in the first row looking at people who approached to say farewell to Hide.
Directly beneath a large portrait 22 guitars which Hide played on concerts were placed. In the center of the mourning hall filled with roses and orchids, laid Hide in his coffin, dressed in the same camouflage clothing, which pleased him so much and his favorite cowboy hat and a long-haired pink wig were put next to him.
The Farewell ceremony lasted for a long time. When the time came, Yoshiki prepared to say a farewell speech. When he started reading the message to Hide which was written the night before everybody raised their heads at once.
- "Hide, I still remember that day, the day when we first met. We did not need many ceremonies; we immediately started talking to each other as if we had known each other for years. "I am Hide of Saver Tiger", "I am Yoshiki of X group and somehow, we became close friends immediately. "
Yoshiki's voice though trembling was clearly audible in the hushed room.
- "Even then I had a hunch that someday we would play together in one band.
By the time we met I had been joined by school friend Toshi, then Pata and Taiji joined us, it seemed we were only waiting for Hide. Hide said: "Yoshiki, I quit music."
"No, let's play together!" - I called him, and then, Hide who had always refused to leave his group frankly said: "Okay. Come on From now on I am X, too ". And those simple words sounded like a unique promise. Whatever happened afterwards, he never regretted his decision.
Then the usual routine began. There were no simple ways. There was no other band with a such flamboyant look and dyed hair in the world. Wherever we came we were taken simply for the special group. Sometimes there were evenings when there was no money and we slept in the park, pushed the car with a failed engine. Still it was good, because we were together.
Five years have passed and our dream became a reality. Days rushed like a whirlwind. Sometimes I lost myself but with Hide's support I moved on ahead again. "If it were not for Yoshiki, there would not have been present me" - how many times he repeated these words. But if we had not met, then the present me, too would not exist.
A hard blow hit the band but this is not the final break- up. He promised to revive X in 2000 again, he always spoke with pride: "I am still Hide from X JAPAN".
Why is he gone, leaving us forever? No matter how painful and bitter it was now, one more thing should be told. Thank you so much for everything. So far and in the future, me and all of us loved Hide and will continue to love him, whatever happened we still remained X JAPAN. I swear. So, rest in peace.
Yoshiki. "
After that, Yoshiki went to the piano Toshi, Pata and Heath took their places beside him. In memory of Hide they decided to perform Forever Love. Yoshiki hit the keys and the melody poured. Toshi was clutching a microphone in one hand and a rosary in the other. His crystal clear voice filled the room.
Yoshiki, full of thoughts about Hide, listened to the voice of Toshi and felt like he was going to faint. Royal stood right in front of the coffin of Hide and now this song became his requiem.
You must continue ...
You cannot interrupt this song ...
Forever Love Forever Dream
Yoshiki barely played the piano and remnants of the mind seemed to leave his intense consciousness. In his dazed mind there were persistent images and feelings. Playing in front of Hide's coffin Yoshiki was thinking about something else.
Hide, I want to meet you quick. I finally returned from Los Angeles, we must talk soon.
He barely kept from shutting down his mind completely from the terrible reality.
At 3.40, the carrying out of the coffin took place. Yoshiki and other members of X JAPAN, relatives and friends carefully picked him up and went down the stairs to a waiting hearse at the gate. Heaven seemed to be startled from a mournful scream of fans.
The procession proceeded to the place of cremation -Yoyohata hall. Sitting in the car among the moans and tears Yoshiki made his last effort to hold on.
During the ceremony members of the group did not say a word. Following the will of the family of the deceased Hide's ashes were placed in a small ceramic urn by more than a hundred friends.
During this solemn ceremony the heart of Yoshiki was embraced with silence. It was the silence of death which he had felt obviously to come to him since his age of ten.
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