IIn the last ten days of May 1998 Yoshiki returned to Los Angeles, but couldn't resume the suspended work on the recording so soon.
After the funeral, he was still as if in a daze and the bright sun of Los Angeles could not revive him.
Ever since his youth suffering from insomnia, Yoshiki, in recent years slept at an average of four hours a day and now he could not sleep all night long. Losing weight greatly and losing the grace of movements he often forgot to eat at all.
Staff and the secretary were seriously worried about his health, tried to cook him a meal and put it in a prominent place but he only nodded in reply and left everything intact, only drinking mineral water.
American employees who worked with him were amazed to see that Yoshiki did not hold regular meetings and did not proceed to work. They were whispered among themselves, wondering when his charming smile and the usual determined expression of his face would return.
Having collected all the forces during the funeral Yoshiki held out firmly, even crying. Now after returning to Los Angeles, vitality left him completely as though some shell faded away.
In early June, Japan released Kitano Shoko's CD "Begin", the record of which was ended in spring, but the work on other projects had not been continued.
To somehow awaken interest in life, one day Yoshiki sat at the piano. He absently looked through the sheet music.
I Need to do something in memory of Hide. Need to write music.
Maybe the time spent at this, standing in the living room on a large white rug the piano will bring the solace to his soul? Maybe writing music in memory of a friend will help to put his thoughts and feelings in order? So he thought, but was deeply mistaken. As if responding to the sounds of the piano, tears that could not be stopped poured out.
Combining fragments of the melody born, still in tears, Yoshiki started to write notes. No matter how he tried, he could not suppress feelings and thoughts about Hide, which overflowed within him. In an effort to present them in the form of words he began writing lyrics in the margins of the music paper.
Emotions flooded, inundating everything around. Memories of happier times which had been warming his heart, as though faded and the abyss that separates life and death opened up before his eyes. Each time looking into this dark abyss, he felt pain in his whole body as if pierced by a set of needles. In the era of ancient Rome there was a holy martyr Sebastian and Yoshiki enduring the pain like martyr Sebastian pierced by arrows, went on composing music.
A week later, the song was ready.
Sitting at the piano, experiencing the sense of moral fatigue, Yoshiki absently looked through the notes of a new song, called Without You. He expressed his feelings to Hide in music, gave them shape and now it had to be considered how to move forward a little more. Suddenly the arrangement of the song began to sound in his head. Yoshiki jumped up from his chair. A week later, he had already gathered musicians and engineers in the studio, and began recording a demo version.
Since the lyrics were written in Japanese he decided to entrust the performance to the vocalist of one of the Japanese groups who came to Los Angeles to visit Yoshiki.
After a few minutes of the recording the expression on Yoshiki's face had changed dramatically. He began playing the piano but the keys had suddenly become wet, as if they had been watered. Due to the continuous stream of tears playing had to be interrupted several times.
There was another reason why Yoshiki felt completely off the rails. The only one who was supposed to sing this song written for Hide was Toshi, because it was the song of X.
Yoshiki felt it, involuntarily searching the shade of the studio for Toshi, who left the group and gone for good Hide. Being aware that this is absurd, Yoshiki once more was convinced that the records of X would never happen again and this thought was causing his heart an enormous amount of pain. In the studio he again was chased by the ghosts that he would want to leave deep in the heart.
Toshi left the group, X was disbanded and now after the death of Hide there was no return.
He seemed to continue to climb up the stairs leading to nowhere, his soul was trapped. All he could do was just cry.
Gathered in the studio employees were unable to recover from their perplexity and confusion. Where had such qualities of merit and leadership that he always demonstrated during the recording gone? Always majestic, like the conductor of an orchestra, gestures and movements disappeared and the hunched figure of Yoshiki looked painfully tired.
Due to abnormal atmosphere the recording was interrupted a lot of times.
When the work was completed, Yoshiki alone listened to the new ballad.
It was the groan of a man who had lost a friend and could only cry.
`Aruki tsukareta, yoru ni tatazumu.
Nagareru namida wo, kioku ni kasanete.
Deaino kazudake, wakare wa arukedo
Kagiri nai toki ga, tsuzuku to shinji teta.
Kizutsuke atta kotoba sae, ima wa dakishime
Furikaeru dake`
`I feel alone...
How should I love you?
How could I feel you?
Without you...
Kazoe kire nai, omoide ga jikan wo ume tsukusu
Anata wo aishite, anata ni kizu tsui te
Ai toiu kotoba no, fukasa ni kizuita
I still remember, kotae nai ashita ni
Yume wo motometa ita, hibi wo
Kagiri naku hiro garu sora ni, mou ichio
Umareta imi, ima wo ikiru wo, toi kakete
How should I love you?
How could I feel you?
Without you...
Owari no nai, ai no uta wo, ima anata ni`
Listening to the demo endlessly, Yoshiki rested looking at his fingertips. The song written in memory of Hide was in fact born as a confirmation of his own despair.
Whether sitting at home in the hall on the sofa, feeling the light wind blow, swinging high palm leaves. Whether in his perfect studio where the newest equipment was gathered he felt only the pain and loneliness, as though he was buried deep underground. Thoughts that he would have to spend the rest of his life on his own separated from Hide forever just blaming himself constantly, brought him in horror.
Impossible, I could not; I could no longer walk alone.
Soundless words were escaping his lips.
I had to die, not Hide.
Suddenly a memory of Yoshiki`s clearly resurrected which seemed to be buried in the past.
He was only ten years old.
When he returned from school he saw his father lying on the futon in the living room, but why was his face covered with a white cloth? Crying mother and little brother sat at the bedside. With a distorted face Yoshiki stared at this picture. Someone from stayed here relatives, not wanting to disturb him, said:
- `Father is sick and sleeping now. `
But Yoshiki understood, his father did not sleep, he died.
- `Why did you lie? Why did my father die? `
Yoshiki screamed and ran to his motionless father sobbing uncontrollably. Although relatives then took Yoshiki to their home, they could not stop him from crying and running into a spasm.
After his father's funeral although he had returned to normal life, he could not talk loudly, move freely, like heavy black lava absorbed him.
Beloved father died, Father who loved him more than anyone else. There will never be another adult who would love him that much. His father was only 34.
In Yoshiki's heart love and anger at his father who left him alone were seething. He felt that death is always close to life. Someday I will die all the same.
Cold determination had been born in the heart of the boy.
Replacing the figure of his father, he imagined himself to be dead. To somehow escape from the sad reality, he began to yearn for world of death.
As an adult he returned to life and it was only through music and friends whom he met on his way. While the desire for death had not disappeared entirely but enthusiasm for rock music was the best way to inflame his life.
Playing the drums or the piano he forgot about everything, just rushed forward.
But a close friend, with whom he could hold hands, running forward, suddenly passed away at the age of 33.
Was it really an accident? Why had he gone alone!
Hide had always lived passionately as if unwilling to waste time in vain not sparing himself. He always inspired me. Why in the end did he leave without saying a single word?
In the studio Yoshiki could not hide from loneliness. Strong, up to dizziness, grief engulfed him.
If I did not call Hide to join X then his fate would have been quite different, there is no doubt. If he had not met me, he would have been alive now.
I wish I'd died instead of him.
Yoshiki blamed himself for the death of Hide and childhood memories injuring the soul came alive with new force. He could not resist the arisen desire to leave the scene and leave the music through which he met with Hide.
The same evening the commemoration, organized by the parents of the deceased took place. It brought together members of X, the musicians who worked in a solo project with Hide, friends who knew him from indie times, young artists and of course one of the main themes of conversation was holding a memorial concert.
-` It is necessary to arrange a concert on the first anniversary! `
Listening to familiar voices, Yoshiki weakly replied:
- ` Yes, it would be necessary. `
Yoshiki constantly received proposals for such a concert in memory of Hide from famous artists and old friends, as well as young musicians who admired Hide and X.
A concert in memory of Hide.
Of course it was not easy. To collect artists, to find a place, to spread information - great preparation was needed to conduct such an event. Still it was necessary to find the funds, to make the budget and deal with the profit properly. The concerted efforts of many people were needed.
A tremendous amount of work was coming which required much time and Yoshiki understood that it was necessary to hold the concert at a high level so as not to sully the name of Hide.
At the end of the evening Yoshiki told friends:
- ` When we return to Tokyo we'll have a drink again. `
On that day when Hide passed to his eternal rest, Yoshiki's heart froze losing all the fire. He would not want to simply separate himself from embraced with grief friends. On the way back the car of Yoshiki was followed by a few dozen automobiles.
Back in Tokyo, settled in a convenient location, everyone tried to dispel melancholy a bit with a lively conversation.
Being a musician himself, Yoshiki understood that the memorial concert would be the best expression of love from all the artists to Hide and rock music which could help them to perk up at least a little.
After 49 days Yoshiki remained in Japan for some time meeting with friends and colleagues. He began preliminary discussions about a memorial concert.
Back in Tokyo he had so little in common with his life in Los Angeles which was filled only with music. He was busy with various chores and it seemed that his heart had calmed down a bit, However it was weird. Typically, getting tired of negotiations and meetings in Tokyo Yoshiki tried to flee to Los Angeles and lock himself in the studio.
However, after a song dedicated to Hide had been recorded Yoshiki seemed to lose power completely believing that "passion of X times could not get a second wind, and I should not perform on stage now." .
His body and soul needed time to be healed of a mortal wound, which was caused by the loss of Hide.
Meanwhile, much to his regret various rumors about the death of Hide began to spread. Yoshiki thought that the reason for that was a deep common grief. Perhaps wanting to somehow get rid of depression people were throwing stinging words. Overcoming a sense of outrage he had just watched all human relations to be torn with the death of Hide. Again he began to blame only himself. This chaos had arisen only through his fault. Passionately sweeping away all obstacles in his way wanting to stir up the world of Japanese rock music like a whirlwind, in his arrogance did he violate something important with his energy?
Yoshiki lost confidence in people and their promises. He no longer knew the place where he could heal his heart.
Lately his insomnia took a turn for the worse and each evening began with breathing spasms similar to asthma as it was the day his father died.
What to do, where to go now? Or just exist, awaiting for the time when you can finally find eternal peace?
Such thoughts crowded in his head and his eyes slid to a distant horizon line.
Creating X, writing music, playing piano and drums, he made his choice, but now the ways are closed and if you look around you will see only a desert of loneliness. He was afraid not only for himself, he feared to carry along anyone else to change not only his own fate but somebody else’s.
Henceforth, the old life cannot continue.
Tired of blaming himself, Yoshiki decided to leave the scene as the leader of X and as an artist.
"Fade out".
He felt an irresistible desire to escape not only from the scene but also from life in general.
Tears overflowed.
"Why?" Why did it all happen? "- He repeated silently, knowing that nobody can give him an answer.
"It's my fault. This is all just my fault. "
Unable to bear the rough reality, Yoshiki rolled back in time, recalling the events of old days.
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***Without you ( translation by RipvanwinkleHADUKI)
I'm tired of walking and standing in the night
I cover my memory with flowing tears
The number of meeting makes the same number of separation, but
I believed that limitless time goes on
Now I embrace even words which hurt each other
And I only look back
I feel alone...
How should I love you
How could I feel you
Without you...
Innumerable memories fill up the time
I loved you, and I was hurt by you
I realized the depth of the word 'LOVE'.
I still remember
The days when I searched answerless tomorrow for a dream
I ask the sky which expands boundlessly meaning of birth, meaning of living now Again...
How should I love you
How could I feel you
Without you...
The endless poem of ''LOVE'',(I'll dedicate it) to you now...
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